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209: sad but truthful

melissa averinos

June 7, 2008

I am off balance.

Since my return from Portland, I have  scurried to the bathroom to cry a few times a week (at my day job.)
Is that too honest?

 

Of course, I don't need to tell you this. But Yummy Goods really is a representation of me, and it's either share this part of me or stop blogging till I feel better. And I  really enjoy blogging- that is, I  enjoy the interaction with you- so I don't want to just wait and not post until it's all happy and pretty.

And you wouldn't want me to, either, right? 

 

Life is good.


There are amazing things happening that I have worked my ass off for.  Yes, all of this wonderful stuff is going on. I am grateful.

Yet, my internal world is a troubled place sometimes.

 

My heart hurts from a challenging situation with a close friend. I struggle with loneliness, even when there are people around me who love me. See, this is me, the second  one from the left:


I think everyone has these things going on, but having arm-wrestled with depression my whole life, I sink down far and I sink down fast.

Before the trip, I was in a  routine of eating clean, running, practicing yoga, limiting television and limiting what I call 'screwing around online'.
That routine is the life vest that keeps me from getting swallowed by the undertow. I need to be in that routine to feel balanced. I really have to put a lot of effort in to just feel ok and at ease. I am glad I have finally learned what it takes, but since Portland, I have yet to find my way back to these practices.

I know what I have to do, now I just have to, you know, do it!

 

*Today I am going to work in the garden.

 

The physical work, being in nature, the satisfaction of growing something, the pleasure in making my yard beautiful- it does wonders for my spirit.

 

*I will drink a bunch of water, something I just won't do unless I set my mind on it. ( and even then, it's hard! I am a camel. Moo.)

*I will eat clean today. ( That means not eating an entire rhubarb-strawberry-nectarine crisp like I did this week! Yes, I really did. The whole damn thing.)

*I will limit tv and internet today.

*I will go for a walk today. It might be a slow walk, more of a stroll. But I will start to get back into the habit of setting aside time to exercise.

 

*I'll spend the evening playing with paint and paper. I have a mixed-media jones. I will put on my painty overalls ( not my dirty gardening overalls) and get messy for a few hours.  I do love getting messy. I love taking paint and paper (or anything, really) and messing with it until it looks pretty. There is something really magical about it.

 

So. That is what my day looks like. That's the plan, anyway. I'll report back tomorrow.

Tell me, what are you going to do today?

 

I wanna know. 

xo, m

(illustrations courtesy of The Treasury of Games

 


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